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I had a long conversation someone in their early teens and we were discussing as to why children don’t want to come to Shul although there are youth services etc and we narrowed it down to one question what’s today purpose of coming to Shul.

Another conversation I had with someone many months ago before their bar mitzvah said to me that I will come put tefillin on before my bar mitzvah then come for the call up won’t see me until I get married if I marry Jewish then will say Kaddish for a parent.

What could we possibly add to make the youth come to Shul?

People in general come for a consistent experience that they value.

Kids come either because they're forced or because it's something the family values. So unless you have a super-strong youth program that is itself a community within your community, you need to engage the families, not just the kids.

I see this problem in liberal congregations, which are also the ones where core Jewish values including regular communal prayer are weakest. In a traditional community, kids grow up learning that this is what we do, not just because they're told but because they see their parents and older siblings and friends doing it, which in turn happens because of the centrality of torah and mitzvah observance in all aspects of life.

It sounds like you don't have a community where families routinely come, where (therefore) kids are part of and connected to the community from early on. I don't know how you bootstrap that; it's a hard problem that I watch my liberal congregation, and others, struggle with. But it's a whole-family, community-level challenge, not just "how do we get kids to come", because any special thing you do to attract kids, like special teen programming, revolves around the programming and not the service you're trying to get them to join. My congregation has a special "tot shabbat" once a month, for example -- and those families come once a month, not every week.

My congregation has a small, dedicated core on Shabbat mornings. It started out as adults only and is still mostly adults, but as people in the minyan had kids, we had to think about how to be accessible to them too -- without sacrificing aspects of the service that keep that dedicated core coming. For example, we knew that if we stripped out parts of the service to make it shorter for fidgety children, or dumbed down content for beginning readers, we'd lose the regulars. Instead we looked for ways to engage kids while doing what we normally do; for example, kids are always part of the torah procession, and we have small stuffed "torah scrolls" for them to carry around. We have a room just outside the chapel with comfortable furniture for parents and kids who need to step out for a bit of quiet time. We use niggunim to teach, or reinforce, newer melodies (which helps adults too). We set up the room so that it is as easy as possible for people to come late, leave early, or just step out for some time without drawing lots of attention. We (like most places, I imagine) have food, including cookies (a kid favorite), after the service. We don't have lots of kids coming, but the "children of the minyan" come. With luck we'll grow the minyan, both adults and kids, over time.

Why do teenagers do anything?

A few basic reasons:

1. Their parents make them.


2. Bribery.


3. They get to see their friends.


4. They get something out of the experience.

You're heading straight for #4 and asking, how can we make the experience more meaningful to youth so they'll want to come? While it's an excellent question, I think it's the wrong one.

If you get kids used to the experience and make it part of their routine, this will make it easy for them to do it when they are adults and truly have the choice. How many Jews don't go to shul as adults because they "don't know how"? Or they're afraid of being judged for not knowing what to do? Or they just don't want to deal with a new experience?

So I start with #1: make them. In other words, it's not the kids you need to convince, it's the parents. I made my kid go to shul regularly in the year before her bat mitzvah. Now she rarely goes and it's totally her parents' fault. I made her go last week though and the tradeoff was she had to greet people before the service and attend the oneg (that part is easy) but she didn't have to sit in the service. Two of her friends came and they all hung out in another room. I wasn't thrilled with that, but at least they were in the building, right?

A lot of times teens would be perfectly happy to go to shul or anyplace else, but they won't admit it. So telling them they have to works like a charm. They can roll their eyes and scowl at you, but they actually want to do it. My daughter's like that every single morning when I drop her off at school. She says "do I have to go to school?" but only 30 seconds before we arrive (if she's actually sick, she'll tell me when she wakes up...and when she does skip school, she can't wait to get back).

Other times the teens might want to go someplace but only if their friends are there. Friend circles are really important at this age, far more than they are to adults or even to younger kids. Encouraging them to group message their friends so everyone knows who is and isn't coming is a plus.

But what can the shul do? I'd say give the teens special tasks. Some can be service related, like Monica talks about, and others can be separate (like helping to hand out the drinks for kiddish). Make sure friends are there.

Target kids by age. Teens do not want to go to "kids" events. My teen is only 13 but will not go to anything aimed at 11-12 year olds. So unless the teens are asked to help out (with actual important tasks, not just to be there), forget about getting them to kids programs.

And ask them. Every community is different. Maybe the shul wants to do a charity event. Let the teens choose and plan it, with some adult supervision.

Childcare is also important, because parents of teens also have younger children. Teens can help with the childcare too, which gets them in the building. Make it easy for the parents to come and the kids (of all ages) are more likely to follow.